I was at a meeting with a great group of people tonight. I wanted to go to this meeting because of the day that I was having. I have been getting really irritated at very all things that I have no hope of controlling lately. It seems that is pretty much what all of my time is spent doing over the past two weeks.
I have been cussing, fist-clenching, foot stomping… pretty much everything that you do when you are frustrated over that time. I feel that I have been frustrated a lot lately. I am frustrated at how things are going in my life and the position that I am in currently.
These are all things that I have really no control over. I have been trying to remember that I need to recite the Serenity Prayer… this is what my brain needs to be narrating.. over and over. Somehow the words of the prayer are not sinking in past the levels of this frustration.
I knew that no matter what, I needed to be around my people tonight. There was something there that I was going to hear that would really put the way that I was feeling into context. This is what had always happened over the past 5 or so years of my recovery. I had heard something at a meeting that made it all make sense. Something that I would not hear in the normal world. Something that would shine a light on my self-imposed gloomy two week long prision… and show me the path that needed to be walked down.
This is what I heard……
“When I am restless, irritable and discontent….. this is the time that I am trying to take my power back. Then I get resentful that I can’t take it back. This is when I remember that I have a disease and that I need to give that power over to my higher power”
So I am paraphrasing what I heard tonight at the meeting but its really the way that the words hit me that is whats important really.
I have been trying to hold this world of mine in the palm of my hands…. trying to balance it as it moves from side to side. No matter what I do and no matter how hard I try I just don’t have the ability to keep the thing balanced… and it is falling off.
My life is unmanageable and I know this to be one of the many truths of my life. When I try to manage it I get resentful and waste my time with frustration and self deprecating thoughts and feelings…..
This is what I really needed to hear, when I let the words of the speaker tonight just seep a little bit deeper.
My life is pretty amazing. When I sit down and think about the things that I cannot change and how there are things that I need to let go of… I feel a peace come over me. Like the feeling of that slight breeze in your hair as you hear it pass through the trees. That kind of peace.